Overcoming the Guilt – How to Make Peace with Moving a Loved One to a Care Home
Few decisions are as emotional as moving a loved one into a care home.
Even when it’s the right choice, guilt can creep in over time or all at once. It’s a feeling that many relatives face, but few discuss openly.
If you’re struggling with guilt, you’re not alone. In this article, we’ll explore where that guilt comes from and how you can begin to make peace with your decision.
How Can You Deal with Guilt After Moving a Loved One to a Care Home?
To deal with guilt after moving a loved one to a care home:
- Acknowledge your feelings
- Remember why you made the decision
- Stay involved in your loved one’s life
- Talk to someone
- Reframe your thinking
- Focus on the bigger picture
- Give yourself enough grace and time
In More Detail:
Let Yourself Feel What You Feel
Guilt is a heavy emotion, but did you know that pushing it aside only gives it more power? The antidote is to allow yourself to feel it without any shame. Journaling, talking about it and saying to yourself “I feel guilty and that’s normal and okay” will bring more clarity. And remember that emotions don’t always reflect reality.
Revisit the ‘Why’ Behind Your Decision
It’s so easy to forget why you made the decision once guilt kicks in and clouds your thoughts. But take a moment to think back. Was your loved one truly safe at home? Were things becoming too much for you to handle alone? Choosing a care home doesn’t mean you’ve given up. In fact, it means you recognised that they needed more than you could give on your own, and that takes courage. You acted out of love, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Keep Showing Up in Their Life
You’re not stepping away from your loved one when you move them into a care home. It’s still possible to be an essential part of their world. Visiting when you can, calling often, bringing familiar things from home or just being together keeps your connection strong and eases the emotional distance guilt can create.
Don’t Carry It Alone
Guilt can feel isolating but you don’t have to go through it alone. Talking to someone, such as a close friend, a therapist or even a support group with people dealing with the same issues, allows you to process things more clearly. Sometimes, just hearing a validating “me too” from someone who’s been there is enough to help you breathe easier.
Talk to Yourself Like You Would a Friend
If someone you cared about were in your shoes, would you judge them? Or would you offer understanding and kindness? The way you speak to yourself matters too. Replace harsh inner talk with honest, compassionate words ones you’d gladly give to someone else in your position.
Look at What Your Loved One is Gaining
It’s easy to focus on what’s been lost, but let’s look at what’s been gained. In a good care home, your loved one has access to excellent medical care, companionship, structured daily activities and a safer environment. These are things many of us can’t provide at home. Focusing on their comfort and security can bring significant relief.
Give It Time
Transitions take time. So it’s okay if it doesn’t feel right immediately. Give yourself permission to grieve, to adjust and not to have all the answers right now. You’re human and you’re doing your best to handle this big life change.
How to Stay Connected After the Move
When someone you love moves into a care home, it’s easy to worry that your relationship will fade or feel less personal. Here are a few ways to stay emotionally connected, even from a new distance:
Visit regularly
Routine visits to the care home help maintain your bond, and even if you can’t stay long, showing up makes a huge difference. Familiar faces and voices bring comfort to your loved one living in a new environment. You might fall into a rhythm with visiting on a particular day each week or at the same time of day. That consistency reduces anxiety for both of you. Even if your loved one struggles with memory or communication, your presence still makes a significant difference.
Bring familiar things from home
A care home can initially feel sterile or impersonal. Decorating their room and bringing items from home can ease the transition. Items to bring could be a favourite pillow, family photos, a well-worn cardigan or even their regular shampoo. These small touches go a long way in making the new space feel more homely and comforting. It also shows that you know what matters to them and that you’re thinking about their comfort, even when you’re not there.
Involve them in day-to-day decisions
One of the biggest concerns your loved one may have is losing independence. To relieve this worry, make sure to involve your loved one in everyday choices, as this helps preserve their sense of control and dignity. Some easy ways to do this are to ask what they’d like you to bring next time, whether they’d like help choosing clothes for the week or what meals or treats they’d enjoy. Even if the decisions are minor, it’s the act of including them that matters, reinforcing that their opinions still count.
Celebrate milestones together
Continue to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other meaningful dates because moving to a care home doesn’t mean traditions have to stop. You could bring a small cake or organise a family video call. And the good news is that it doesn’t have to be elaborate to be special. Life is still being lived and shared, and it reminds them that your relationship is still worth marking with happy times and attention.
Finding Peace with a Difficult Decision
Feeling guilty after moving a loved one into a care home is a deeply human response to a complex, emotional decision. But remember, guilt doesn’t always mean you’ve done something wrong.
What matters now is how you move forward. Stay connected, remind yourself why the decision was made and be kind to yourself along the way. Then, you’ll begin to let go of the guilt and focus on ensuring your relative is safe, supported and still surrounded by love. Give yourself time. You’re not alone in this.
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